For some reason, I think so many of us tend to go through life forgetting how valued we are. I get how this happens, but yet still it boggles my mind that it's so difficult for us to keep a grip on it. Now, I'm going to spin things a little differently than you're probably used to hearing about how we value ourselves. I usually try to identify with what I believe to be is the majority of my audience. However, this particular post, might be geared towards a few one-percenters. Or maybe even this post may just be for me.
I've always had a lot of self worth. I've always known I wasn't perfect - being messy by nature with a quick tongue, I never thought that was a possibility for me. But I've always known my worth. If anything, the struggle of entitlement has laid heavy on my heart. I never thought I wasn't worth it. I would more so be frustrated by the fact that other people couldn't REALIZE how worth it I was! But this is where it gets odd. Despite my knowledge of my worth, I would walk into situations with timidity, unsure if others would understand the value I knew I had. Will they like me? Will they think I'm worth it? Will I fit in? Many times the answer was no. Now looking back, thankfully many times when it counted, the answer was yes.
It wasn't until very recently that I even realized I'd been doing this my entire life. Like honestly, since playground days. I've always liked me. But contrary to my previous beliefs, I've also always been hyper conscious of how others perceive me as well. This isn't to say I've based my entire life around others opinions. I'm not say going to say I haven't made my mistakes, but what I will say is that fundamentally how someone viewed me never really caused me to go down a different path or set my whole life off track. But what it did do, was cause me to have different perceptions of my value and eventually instilled a sense of fear in me. As time has gone on, the knowledge of these perceptions made me to feel more guarded. Made me feel like I had to be more careful with who I shared my feelings with - because how someone handled these intangible, precious things would tell me all I needed to know. With who I would let see all the parts of me and love me all the same. And with who I would in return. And as time has gone on, I've realized the number dwindled down to zero. I think everyone has pieces, but after too many times of getting my feelings handed back to me twisted, broken and mangled it honestly didn't seem so worth it any longer to so openly share pieces of what made me, me. So I started closing doors. I wore unforgiveness like a badge of honor, that eventually turned into my very own scarlet letter. And I didn't let God come into my heart and take it. I stored them up, like I was getting ready for hibernation. I allowed other people's views and treatment of me to affect my perception of trust. And thus unfortunately to affect the way in which I viewed trusting God.
The other day, two friends - one new and one old so graciously opened up to me about things they were feeling. One cut not too deep, but obviously not the first time it had occurred. One a gnashing wound. I saw such beauty in them being honest in the moment about what was hurting them. In that very moment, in their hurt, choosing to open themselves up yet again. This was truly amazing to me. When I've been cut, even recalling the situation weeks or months after causes me to twinge (twitch + cringe) deep inside. And here they were, ripping off the bandaid, wounds open and blood spilling in all it's freshness. And it's occurring to me now, that they get it. They get that you take the hurting thing to the Father, right then and there - at the earliest point that you realize it and you're able or even once you realize you can't handle it anymore. And you ask him to take it. And His blood, in all it's freshness pours over it. It pours over you. Over the situation. Over the hurt, the past, the present, and the future. And instead of seeing some mess of sorrows and disappointment and rejection and fear, you find it's miraculously all clean.
And that's the gospel my friends. When Jesus came and gave his life to die for us on a cross, the veil was torn. No longer were we here and God over there - distant from us. He is up close and personal and we are even able to have Him dwell within us. IT IS A GIFT. We are FREELY given. And when He sees us, he doesn't see the shame. He doesn't see someone who deems themself useless or entitled. He doesn't see someone marked by bitterness and resentment or someone who had it coming. He doesn't look at us and see us marked up with sin. He sees His son Jesus. He sees us righteous and clean. He sees Himself dwelling within us and He calls us his sons and daughters, heirs to the kingdom of Heaven. So put on your crowns ladies, because whatever you're facing, whatever you're struggling with, whatever it is you're going through, whatever it is you have allowed yourself to believe of be consumed with for far too long, let me tell you something: it doesn't matter. God has made the claim for your value and He has called you royalty.
with all the best I can give,