I know, this is weird. I think so too. But it's true, so I'm going to write about it anyways, and maybe you'll see where I'm coming from, and will find some awesome area of common ground and we will become great friends. Or maybe you'll think I'm way off. Either way, I've never particularly striven to be a
nice person. In most cases, when you initially meet me, I think I definitely seem to be - maybe too much so. I typically make friends by complimenting people on extrinsic things, such as their beautiful leather bag, serious eyeliner game, or their perfectly distressed boyfriend jeans... which is probably why all of my best friends are smoke shows. Once you get to know me, however, you see I'm really not all that nice at all. And honestly, I don't think I want to have much to do with the term.
On my birthday, my best friend called me kind, and I recall responding to her saying something along the lines of "Oh wow. I know it's my birthday, but you know I'm really not all that nice." And she said, "I didn't say nice, I said kind. There's a difference!" Haha and it really got me thinking about both of those words and the intentions behind each one.
Some people just have nice-ness in their bones. They always have something sweet to say to you no matter what and it can really be rather pleasant to have that little boost in your day. But I think it sometimes, it can become a problem. And maybe I'm overthinking this, but sometimes I believe it can really become an issue because of two reasons.
- It can become a sport of comparison. I think it can become an issue when someone says that you are always more beautiful, smarter, that your laugh is always sweeter, that you always dress far cuter, than in a gist you are always more than the complimenter. I think putting yourself down to lift others up is never the way to deliver a compliment nor is it ever a solution. And I know, you're probably not taking it to heart, but please don't underestimate the power of your words! Each time you speak out about a person or yourself you are breathing those things into life. And one day you may begin to feel like everything about you is a little less than others around you and wonder why. Plus, people don't need compliments that lift them up by putting you down. If you really think about it, that shouldn't make anyone feel very good about themselves to believe to be better than you and it's quite honestly a little confusing.
- Because are you really being nice when it comes to masking the truth? If my hair is a mess or I smell or my lipstick is far from poppin', I don't want a friend who is going to tell me I look great. I want a friend who is going to pull out a hair tie, some bobby pins, her travel stick deodorant, and hand me her latest shade of Essence lipstick. Plus, surface level compliments fade quickly anyways. If you want to create an impact that lasts, then speak to someone about their character.
It seems to me, at some point, the term nice can become nearly equivalent with an adjective for someone who is a master in people pleasing. I honestly don't believe in saying or doing things just for the sake of being nice. I think sometimes people are honestly just so afraid to be honest with others nowadays. For fear of how they'll be perceived. For fear that others won't like what they have to say and no longer want to stick around. For fear of seeming judgmental when all they're really trying to do is show they care.
I think in our generation, it's safe to say most everyone just wants to stay in a state of happy. Whatever that is. And if there are things or people that disrupt this or are "killing our vibes" then they don't need to be in our lives. Because "good vibes only", right? And I think it's a shame. There's nothing to that. That's not life. So much of what we learn in life comes from our struggles, and our growth from them. From healing and learning. People can sit and tell you what you want to hear all day. They can encourage your poor decisions. They can push you to take your one life down meaningless winding roads because that's what sounds like a good idea to you at the time, so it sounds good to them. Or, they can stand up and be a friend and tell you not necessarily what you want to hear, but what you need to. And it might not be pretty or nice. But if someone cares enough about you to put all of those fears and the fact that you can take it all wrong on the line, then I would say there you have a
kind, caring, and genuine friend.
To me, kindness goes a little deeper. Its roots and intentions are in not necessarily in pleasing someone but in being genuine, touching someone, truly helping another, and ultimately going a little deeper than something that will quickly fade away.
I don't believe you should falter or hide the truth for the sake of someone's feelings - though hopefully you can find a way to put it more delicately or try to come from a kind place in the heart - because we all need a reality check sometimes. And hopefully we are fortunate enough to have a person in our lives who cares enough to give it to us. And yes, sometimes honesty, even with the kindest of intentions, still hurts a bit. But sometimes it's a refining process. And honestly, that's more of how I strive to be. I strive to possess kindness and not be afraid to speak the truth, but
in love. To be compassionate, and understanding, yet unwavering on what stands to be true. I desire for there to be deep and genuine purpose behind the things I do and say. I guess I don't find value in solely being nice, because it's difficult for me to find honesty in it. I think in a sense, it actually takes away from true and earnest words spoken. And it's kind of come to the place where when I compliment someone and they tell me I'm nice, I usually make it a point to correct them. Because I'm really not. I'm just honest. And if I say something that happens to be considered nice, it's just because it was true. And that you can trust if I'm paying you an earnest compliment, it will be genuine, and true, and specific to YOU and your being and your character. I want you to know that if I'm saying it, I really mean it because I'm not just someone who goes around saying anything just to make people feel good. And I mean yes, if you have on a killer pair of shoes I'll have to comment on those too. But if I catch you walking around at an event in a pair of Louboutins, I'll probably say we need to have a serious chat about why you enjoy torturing yourself, suggest we go buy you a pair of flats and ask if you wanna chat over a couple of Caramel Apple Spices.
xx, Seysey
